I am having a hard day. I don't always suffer from panic attacks, and it feels so silly to be dealing with them after watching a god-damned TV show. But that was so difficult. Watching Lady Sybil seize and die while her baby wailed in the next room was just too much for me I guess. I had seen the spoilers and knew what to expect, but none of that mattered. I laid awake for over two hours unable to breathe fully and just feeling lucky and sad and lucky and sad. Maybe it has more to do with PE being all over today, but the shallow feeling in my chest won't go away and I'm crying constantly. But I'm thankful that the information is out there today. I hope someone sees it who needs it.
I'm sorry if you are sick of hearing me talk about it, but I'm not going to stop. I meet people every day who have dealt with PE. Coordinating this walk makes me the go-to person for all of the survivors in the area. The stories of loss and fear never end.
Planning the walk is going well. We even have a couple of sponsors so far. I've sent out about 15 requests today just to get rid of some of the nervous energy. Women dying because of pregnancy is sickening and it's unnecessary.
That's all I've got for now.
Monday, January 28, 2013
Friday, December 21, 2012
Christmas, Christmas, and More Christmas
So this year has been a Christmas reality check for me. I grew up in a bizarre set of surroundings where holidays went mostly unnoticed. The only person that I was close to who even bothered celebrating them were my Grandma Pat, and I do have a few nice memories of the Christmas tree and a family dinner with the Fagg Family. But during my early memories, my dad was reveling in his newfound cult/religion. I didn't even officially celebrate holidays in school until 3rd grade because I subscribed to my dad's religion at the time. My mom could never be bothered and balked at the commercialization of everything even then. You have to cut her some slack though, as she grew up with a bunch of Jehovahs. So, yeah, my experiences with Christmas was patchy at best.
I struggle with the meaning of Christmas because of my past and because I am an Atheist. This is the first year where I know Bennett may be forming lasting memories. What do we want them to be? What does Christmas mean to us as individuals, as a couple, and as parents? I won't speak for Bernie at all. His experiences have been wholly different from mine growing up in a Catholic/Christmas is a big deal kind of family. What about Santa Claus? I never believed and don't feel a void for it. I don't have any answers for any of this, but I have been thinking about it all a lot. And I have been doing LOTS of Christmas stuff this year. Tree, presents, crafts, gingerbread houses, charity donations, cookies...all are checked off the list and accounted for. I have enjoyed most of it, but also felt the stress of all of the self-imposed goals and deadlines. So, I will try to take it more easy on all of us next year and hopefully let whatever Christmas is going to mean to us as a family form a bit more naturally.
Bernie's birthday is coming up! For some reason, birthdays were the holiday that NEVER went unnoticed in my house. I decided to surprise him with a May trip to Chicago to see the Cubs at Wrigley Field for the first time. He already knows since I had to book the tickets last week. I think he's excited-especially since we are going child free!! Bernie's mom is coming down to stay with the kids for four nights. It will be our first real trip without them. It will be a good dry run for our upcoming big trip...timing and location undecided. Probably South America sometime early next year.
My mom ended up not coming down because my grandma came down with shingles. She seems to be on the mend now and is back at work for awhile most days. It's the second time she has had it, which I guess is fairly uncommon. But then again, I had the chicken pox three times as a child and everyone knows the difficulty I have had with cold sores in the past. I'll be running for the shingles vaccine at 60, that's for sure.
Bennett is on Christmas break now, so we'll see how we all do with full days with Bernie at work and possibly some snow. I am looking forward to it.
I struggle with the meaning of Christmas because of my past and because I am an Atheist. This is the first year where I know Bennett may be forming lasting memories. What do we want them to be? What does Christmas mean to us as individuals, as a couple, and as parents? I won't speak for Bernie at all. His experiences have been wholly different from mine growing up in a Catholic/Christmas is a big deal kind of family. What about Santa Claus? I never believed and don't feel a void for it. I don't have any answers for any of this, but I have been thinking about it all a lot. And I have been doing LOTS of Christmas stuff this year. Tree, presents, crafts, gingerbread houses, charity donations, cookies...all are checked off the list and accounted for. I have enjoyed most of it, but also felt the stress of all of the self-imposed goals and deadlines. So, I will try to take it more easy on all of us next year and hopefully let whatever Christmas is going to mean to us as a family form a bit more naturally.
Bernie's birthday is coming up! For some reason, birthdays were the holiday that NEVER went unnoticed in my house. I decided to surprise him with a May trip to Chicago to see the Cubs at Wrigley Field for the first time. He already knows since I had to book the tickets last week. I think he's excited-especially since we are going child free!! Bernie's mom is coming down to stay with the kids for four nights. It will be our first real trip without them. It will be a good dry run for our upcoming big trip...timing and location undecided. Probably South America sometime early next year.
My mom ended up not coming down because my grandma came down with shingles. She seems to be on the mend now and is back at work for awhile most days. It's the second time she has had it, which I guess is fairly uncommon. But then again, I had the chicken pox three times as a child and everyone knows the difficulty I have had with cold sores in the past. I'll be running for the shingles vaccine at 60, that's for sure.
Bennett is on Christmas break now, so we'll see how we all do with full days with Bernie at work and possibly some snow. I am looking forward to it.
Saturday, November 24, 2012
I am sitting on my couch after a glass of wine and piece of pecan chocolate tart. I turned on the NGHFB's DVD and I think I'm ready to write a post!
Today was Bennett's 4th Birthday that came with all of the cliche "my baby is growing up" feelings. We took him to a very overwhelmingly huge train show in Denver and he did pretty well. I can see where he gets some of his crowd anxiety moments. There were multiple times I just wanted to run out of that building, but we all made it through and had some fun. He opened his presents first thing this morning and has been loving his new trains the most. Bernie had to work this afternoon/evening, so the rest of our festivities have been laid back. I made cupcakes and Bennett blew out the candles. I recorded a video while I was singing Happy Birthday. He then watched it about a dozen times. Every time it ended, he pushed play and said "I want to listen to Mama singing to me again!" Awwwwwww....
I don't think I wrote about the surprise birthday party Bernie through for me last month. It was really a special day, one of those that I will always remember. Marlena was able to drive down and we had a great time hanging out. It also reminded me that I have made some great friends since moving to Colorado. 30 generally feels pretty good, no complaints on the aging front at the moment. But I suppose I better take my own gerontologist advice and remember how relative age is.
That's a lot of birthday talk. They come fast and close together around here. It won't be long until Bernie turns 35 on January 15th.
I have been running consistently and doing some exercise stuff on the Wii. Pre-Thanksgiving-binge-fest, I was down below 140. I'm feeling in decent shape and am excited to build on that for the rest of the winter. I've conquered a couple of 5 mile runs and hope to increase the distance as my hips/knees allow.
My mom is talking about coming down in December. Bernie and I are hoping to sneak out town for a night or two, maybe just to Boulder or the mountains. We'll have to wait and see how her dates line up with Bernie's days off. She likes to wait until the very last moment to see if she can get a cheap ticket.
Today was Bennett's 4th Birthday that came with all of the cliche "my baby is growing up" feelings. We took him to a very overwhelmingly huge train show in Denver and he did pretty well. I can see where he gets some of his crowd anxiety moments. There were multiple times I just wanted to run out of that building, but we all made it through and had some fun. He opened his presents first thing this morning and has been loving his new trains the most. Bernie had to work this afternoon/evening, so the rest of our festivities have been laid back. I made cupcakes and Bennett blew out the candles. I recorded a video while I was singing Happy Birthday. He then watched it about a dozen times. Every time it ended, he pushed play and said "I want to listen to Mama singing to me again!" Awwwwwww....
I don't think I wrote about the surprise birthday party Bernie through for me last month. It was really a special day, one of those that I will always remember. Marlena was able to drive down and we had a great time hanging out. It also reminded me that I have made some great friends since moving to Colorado. 30 generally feels pretty good, no complaints on the aging front at the moment. But I suppose I better take my own gerontologist advice and remember how relative age is.
That's a lot of birthday talk. They come fast and close together around here. It won't be long until Bernie turns 35 on January 15th.
I have been running consistently and doing some exercise stuff on the Wii. Pre-Thanksgiving-binge-fest, I was down below 140. I'm feeling in decent shape and am excited to build on that for the rest of the winter. I've conquered a couple of 5 mile runs and hope to increase the distance as my hips/knees allow.
My mom is talking about coming down in December. Bernie and I are hoping to sneak out town for a night or two, maybe just to Boulder or the mountains. We'll have to wait and see how her dates line up with Bernie's days off. She likes to wait until the very last moment to see if she can get a cheap ticket.
Saturday, October 20, 2012
Bennett is almost 4 and Vivian is almost 2. Here is what they've been up to...
Bennett
-He is talking one million times more than when he turned three. He speaks in complete sentences and is pretty easy to understand. He still struggles with turning his thoughts into words.
-is surprisingly polite. He always says "thank you" and "excuse me" at the appropriate times, but still needs reminders for "please."
-loves Angry Birds in Space
-loves loves loves anything to do with Thomas and trains in general
-can get himself dressed 90% of the way, still needing help getting things on the right direction
-continues with OT and ST at school as well as both privately. He has grown to love both his private therapists.
-enjoys going to preschool and always tells his teachers that he has missed them.
-getting more patient all the time. Bennett still does best with a set schedule/routine and warnings when things are changing or are different.
-pushes Vivian down every chance he gets.
-sucks his thumb and is attached to blankets
-has just started to shape actual letters
-has the most amazing brain for memorization that I have ever encountered. He has Skippyjon Jones books memorized and can spell at least 50 words.
-struggles with socializing and playing with other children.
Vivian
-talk, talk, talk, talk, talk. If only I understood more than 50% of it.
-is a mimic for everything. That's a new experience for us. I've heard her say "shit" a couple of times recently.
-is a shrimp. She is short and weighed 22 lbs at 18 months. I don't think she'll pass 23 lbs by much at two. She's been in 18 month clothes since the 1st of April now.
-twirls her hair just like a Fagg woman. In fact, we had to chop it short last week because she was tying knots in it and losing chunks daily.
-plays amazingly well by herself. It's a good thing, since Bennett mostly ignores her if possible.
-loves Hailey
-loves shoes, specifically wearing two different ones.
-is attached to her Gabba blanket
-loves dancing and is beginning to sing along to music in the car
-started going up and down the stairs on her feet without holding on to anything this week. I have about 7 heart attacks daily. She still prefers to go down the slide on her tummy.
-is extraordinarily strong-willed.
Family
-I need to paint Bennett's room and maybe post some after-move pictures one of these days.
-Bernie had a great time hunting in North Dakota and we all had an overall fun vacation. Surprisingly, there are a ton of things to do with kids in Bismarck. They had the best pumpkin patch ever, the zoo, and one of the best kid's sections in their public libraries that I have ever seen.
-I am starting to plan a co-party for the kids on November 10th. They are just too close together to have separately every year. And I'm having it catered. Whew!
-Spanish is going well. I am starting the second class on Monday.
-He is talking one million times more than when he turned three. He speaks in complete sentences and is pretty easy to understand. He still struggles with turning his thoughts into words.
-is surprisingly polite. He always says "thank you" and "excuse me" at the appropriate times, but still needs reminders for "please."
-loves Angry Birds in Space
-loves loves loves anything to do with Thomas and trains in general
-can get himself dressed 90% of the way, still needing help getting things on the right direction
-continues with OT and ST at school as well as both privately. He has grown to love both his private therapists.
-enjoys going to preschool and always tells his teachers that he has missed them.
-getting more patient all the time. Bennett still does best with a set schedule/routine and warnings when things are changing or are different.
-pushes Vivian down every chance he gets.
-sucks his thumb and is attached to blankets
-has just started to shape actual letters
-has the most amazing brain for memorization that I have ever encountered. He has Skippyjon Jones books memorized and can spell at least 50 words.
-struggles with socializing and playing with other children.
Vivian
-talk, talk, talk, talk, talk. If only I understood more than 50% of it.
-is a mimic for everything. That's a new experience for us. I've heard her say "shit" a couple of times recently.
-is a shrimp. She is short and weighed 22 lbs at 18 months. I don't think she'll pass 23 lbs by much at two. She's been in 18 month clothes since the 1st of April now.
-twirls her hair just like a Fagg woman. In fact, we had to chop it short last week because she was tying knots in it and losing chunks daily.
-plays amazingly well by herself. It's a good thing, since Bennett mostly ignores her if possible.
-loves Hailey
-loves shoes, specifically wearing two different ones.
-is attached to her Gabba blanket
-loves dancing and is beginning to sing along to music in the car
-started going up and down the stairs on her feet without holding on to anything this week. I have about 7 heart attacks daily. She still prefers to go down the slide on her tummy.
-is extraordinarily strong-willed.
Family
-I need to paint Bennett's room and maybe post some after-move pictures one of these days.
-Bernie had a great time hunting in North Dakota and we all had an overall fun vacation. Surprisingly, there are a ton of things to do with kids in Bismarck. They had the best pumpkin patch ever, the zoo, and one of the best kid's sections in their public libraries that I have ever seen.
-I am starting to plan a co-party for the kids on November 10th. They are just too close together to have separately every year. And I'm having it catered. Whew!
-Spanish is going well. I am starting the second class on Monday.
Thursday, September 27, 2012
We can all pretend that I am going to update more frequently, but I think everyone would be disappointed. For whatever reason, this is always the last thing on my to-do list that gets done.
All is well at the Meier house. We are FINALLY transitioning into fall and I am loving that. I was just thinking this morning that I need to get the kids on a leaf-collecting walk and look at Pinterest for a leaf project that we probably won't ever complete! Anyone seeing a theme here?? To my credit, we finally did some Angry Bird rock painting this morning. I've only had the rocks sitting around for 4 months or so. It didn't go too well since Bennett is totally freaked out about having paint on his hands and the rocks need to be held in order to paint on all sides. But we did it! I just have to find some eyes to paste on them. I applaud the effort of my non-artistic self.
Bennett has been sick for a few days now. Not the lay in bed all day kind of sick, but he's been out of school for the past two days. He has a very hoarse voice and some mild coughing. The on-call pediatrician he saw yesterday suspected croup since it's going around. So now we are treating that and waiting to see if Vivian gets it as well. Bennett is a little more emotional and lower energy than usual, but otherwise is functioning like his normal self. It makes it hard to keep him resting.
We had our house-warming party over the weekend. It was a good time and a fairly big party. I'm sure we had 40-50 people here-seemingly all of them with 1-3 kids. Our house seemed to work really well for that kind of get-together. It did make me happy that we have decided to do the kiddo birthday parties together this year.
My mom left on Saturday after a week-long visit. All in all it was successful and we are all still living. She is already talking about coming back in November. She likes those cheap day after Thanksgiving flights.
We took the kids to Day out with Thomas on Sunday. Bennett was just starting to get sick and was very difficult to focus and deal with. He is still talking about it, so I assume he had a good time on some level. Maybe next year will be better.
Promise Walk planning is starting again. I had a really promising meeting with a couple of volunteers who want to be on the planning committee. It looks like we are going to drop the 5K and focus on making the event as meaningful to our participants as possible. That should also help us keep costs under control. We have a "budget" meeting with the national coordinator on Friday, so we will see what she has to say about it. I have a feeling it will along the lines of "spend as little money as necessary, and raise as much as possible!" Just a hunch. But I am getting my enthusiasm for it back, so that's a good thing.
I am at the end of my first Spanish class and am happy so far. I feel like I am about at beginning of the third year of high school. We are starting the preterite in the next session. That should confuse me nicely for awhile.
We are North Dakota bound (driving....gag) in about 10 days. Bernie is finally going hunting after a three year hiatus. I'm looking forward to it.
Monday, August 20, 2012
Motivation to update this blog has been lacking lately.
Bernie's parents were here for a visit last week. We took the kids up to the mountains to ride the train on the Georgetown loop. Bennett was very pleased. I can't imagine what his reaction is going to be when we go to "Day Out With Thomas" next month. I think he will either be very excited or totally afraid. That trip will include a ride on a life-size Thomas and Sir Topam Hatt will be there as well. I am trying to prepare him now to minimize the shock.
It's always nice to have grandparents (or any visitors) around. Bernie and I finally got to use a hotel stay in Broomfield that he won at a 5K over a year ago. It was weird to sleep somewhere and not be in any danger of hearing your child cry.
Speaking of 5K's, I have finally recommitted to running. I even have a schedule of 3 days on and 1 day off. I have been feeling motivated to go every day and have seen some improvements already. The plan will be to run a couple of races this fall with the goal of running one in under 30 minutes. I think the fastest I could do it now is around 33 minutes, so there is a lot of work to do.
In other self-improvement news, I signed up for a Spanish class in Boulder. It starts next week. I hope my brain is ready to deal with language-learning again. My resume needs some kind of addition for future job hunting and it is something I have wanted to pick up again for a long time.
Bernie has been hard at work in the yard-seeding the dead spots, pulling endless weeds, and tearing down dead trees with his bare hands. He really did that last thing this morning. It was a small tree that had been very dead for a very long time, but still a manly display. I'm waiting and hoping for the raised beds I want on lowe.com to go on sale so we can get those installed this fall. And then there's our very large, hot, uncovered patio. We have gotten one bid and will get another tomorrow for covering possibilities. It seems that the projects are never-ending even in a semi-new house.
Our container tomatos and peppers have not done well at all. I'm sure it has something to do with the zillion degree heat we've had all summer. I will be glad to have a regular garden back next year. And fall, I'm very very glad that fall is almost here.
Bennett went back to his old public preschool today. The class he was in last year was only 7 kids, so it seemed a shock for him to see it full with 14 today. He really loves his teachers there though. I think he will be fine once he readjusts, but there is always the danger of him falling into the background because he is often quiet and withdrawn. We will see what happens.
My mom used a gift card I gave her to get her very first pedicure at a spa in Great Falls. I gave it to her 2005. She recently found it in her car. And then she sent me an email photo of her gigantic feet as a thank you. It's the gift that keeps on giving according to her.
Bernie's parents were here for a visit last week. We took the kids up to the mountains to ride the train on the Georgetown loop. Bennett was very pleased. I can't imagine what his reaction is going to be when we go to "Day Out With Thomas" next month. I think he will either be very excited or totally afraid. That trip will include a ride on a life-size Thomas and Sir Topam Hatt will be there as well. I am trying to prepare him now to minimize the shock.
It's always nice to have grandparents (or any visitors) around. Bernie and I finally got to use a hotel stay in Broomfield that he won at a 5K over a year ago. It was weird to sleep somewhere and not be in any danger of hearing your child cry.
Speaking of 5K's, I have finally recommitted to running. I even have a schedule of 3 days on and 1 day off. I have been feeling motivated to go every day and have seen some improvements already. The plan will be to run a couple of races this fall with the goal of running one in under 30 minutes. I think the fastest I could do it now is around 33 minutes, so there is a lot of work to do.
In other self-improvement news, I signed up for a Spanish class in Boulder. It starts next week. I hope my brain is ready to deal with language-learning again. My resume needs some kind of addition for future job hunting and it is something I have wanted to pick up again for a long time.
Bernie has been hard at work in the yard-seeding the dead spots, pulling endless weeds, and tearing down dead trees with his bare hands. He really did that last thing this morning. It was a small tree that had been very dead for a very long time, but still a manly display. I'm waiting and hoping for the raised beds I want on lowe.com to go on sale so we can get those installed this fall. And then there's our very large, hot, uncovered patio. We have gotten one bid and will get another tomorrow for covering possibilities. It seems that the projects are never-ending even in a semi-new house.
Our container tomatos and peppers have not done well at all. I'm sure it has something to do with the zillion degree heat we've had all summer. I will be glad to have a regular garden back next year. And fall, I'm very very glad that fall is almost here.
Bennett went back to his old public preschool today. The class he was in last year was only 7 kids, so it seemed a shock for him to see it full with 14 today. He really loves his teachers there though. I think he will be fine once he readjusts, but there is always the danger of him falling into the background because he is often quiet and withdrawn. We will see what happens.
My mom used a gift card I gave her to get her very first pedicure at a spa in Great Falls. I gave it to her 2005. She recently found it in her car. And then she sent me an email photo of her gigantic feet as a thank you. It's the gift that keeps on giving according to her.
Tuesday, July 24, 2012
Vacation Recap, etc.
We got back from Great Falls last week, but I haven't had time to update until now. We convinced Amy to make the trip back with us for a little visit. She has the summers off of work, so it was the perfect opportunity. She stayed six days and we had a lot of fun. We did a little (ok, more than that) shopping, including her first trip to Ikea. I hadn't been to the one that opened here last fall. Saturday wasn't the best choice for that but we had fun anyway. We both found a rocking chair that we love and will be perfect for those moments we Faggs need to center ourselves by rocking back and forth like babies.
The trip itself was good and bad. It was a very long drive there (13.5 hours) and worse because Bennett wasn't feeling well. He had a fever before we left and the illness got worse for the first 6 days of the trip. He was not himself. We took him to the immediate care twice in Great Falls and once in Missoula. His gums were sore, swollen, and bleeding. That made eating, talking, tooth-brushing, and just about everything else lots of fun. His attitude was understandably terrible. His behavior was the most challenging that it has been for his entire life. We finally got him on some antibiotics and things started to get better on day 4 or so. He was good to go by the time we got to Seeley Lake and we tried to run as much pent-up energy as possible out of him. The kids loved being at the cabin and spending time at the lake.
It was great to see Sara, Melanie, and Marlena in Great Falls. A few of us had a late night at the Stein Haus/Sip and Dip, which was my most hung-over moment. My mom was able to spend more time with the kids than usual and Bennett LOVED the train that passed in front of her house. My dad is doing surprisingly well at his assisted living. He's the only man living there at the moment and the staff/residents dote on him. I took him to an epic almost-three-hour-long trip to Hastings so he could pick out about 40 CD's. He's obsessed with music at the moment. It's an expensive habit, but it keeps his mind active and he seems happy, so I don't complain. But I probably better go check his bank account balance!
I loved being in Missoula for a couple of days. We stayed at the Holiday Inn downtown and were able to walk to most of the things we wanted to do. We had dinner with my cousin Denise and visited with my old practicum supervisor. It did remind me how I love Missoula and put to rest any doubt I had about not returning to Great Falls. If I can't live in Missoula, where we are is the next best place.
Faggfest was also a lot of fun. We hung out at my Aunt's cabin a lot and just spent time talking and drinking beer with the clan. What could be better than that? We missed the Washington Fagg group though, and I hope we will see them in the not-too-distant future.
We are just trying to return to normal around here. Potty training is progressing slowly but steadily. Vivian is weaned and sleeping through the night. It feels like we are on the brink of the next stage in the kid's development and that's an exciting time. I have a few projects going on in the house right now (painting and creating a stairway gallery of family pictures) and we are going to hit the yard projects soon to get ready for next spring. I will try to get some pictures up of our progress.
The trip itself was good and bad. It was a very long drive there (13.5 hours) and worse because Bennett wasn't feeling well. He had a fever before we left and the illness got worse for the first 6 days of the trip. He was not himself. We took him to the immediate care twice in Great Falls and once in Missoula. His gums were sore, swollen, and bleeding. That made eating, talking, tooth-brushing, and just about everything else lots of fun. His attitude was understandably terrible. His behavior was the most challenging that it has been for his entire life. We finally got him on some antibiotics and things started to get better on day 4 or so. He was good to go by the time we got to Seeley Lake and we tried to run as much pent-up energy as possible out of him. The kids loved being at the cabin and spending time at the lake.
It was great to see Sara, Melanie, and Marlena in Great Falls. A few of us had a late night at the Stein Haus/Sip and Dip, which was my most hung-over moment. My mom was able to spend more time with the kids than usual and Bennett LOVED the train that passed in front of her house. My dad is doing surprisingly well at his assisted living. He's the only man living there at the moment and the staff/residents dote on him. I took him to an epic almost-three-hour-long trip to Hastings so he could pick out about 40 CD's. He's obsessed with music at the moment. It's an expensive habit, but it keeps his mind active and he seems happy, so I don't complain. But I probably better go check his bank account balance!
I loved being in Missoula for a couple of days. We stayed at the Holiday Inn downtown and were able to walk to most of the things we wanted to do. We had dinner with my cousin Denise and visited with my old practicum supervisor. It did remind me how I love Missoula and put to rest any doubt I had about not returning to Great Falls. If I can't live in Missoula, where we are is the next best place.
Faggfest was also a lot of fun. We hung out at my Aunt's cabin a lot and just spent time talking and drinking beer with the clan. What could be better than that? We missed the Washington Fagg group though, and I hope we will see them in the not-too-distant future.
We are just trying to return to normal around here. Potty training is progressing slowly but steadily. Vivian is weaned and sleeping through the night. It feels like we are on the brink of the next stage in the kid's development and that's an exciting time. I have a few projects going on in the house right now (painting and creating a stairway gallery of family pictures) and we are going to hit the yard projects soon to get ready for next spring. I will try to get some pictures up of our progress.
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